Making The Jump

Three weeks ago I was going to kill myself. Three weeks ago, my whole world came crashing around me. Three weeks ago the Police were called to hunt me down. This photo on Instagram post sparked a manhunt across Worcester in an attempt to find and stop me. I disabled Facebook, I turned my phone off, I hid away from the barrage of phone calls and text messages demanding to know where I was, insisting I call them. I argued with people, I pushed everyone close away and to the brink of tears.

What does a person write about themselves as an introduction? What does it take to define the first impression? Honestly, I could not tell you. Three weeks ago I hit a roadblock in my life. I parted ways with the person I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. At 28 years old my future ended and the past three and a half shattered in front of me.

Three weeks ago I was suicidal, for those who know me – this is completely unlike me. I am the strong, aggressive, no bullshit type in the group. Three weeks ago, I was blind to how my twisted and complex mind operated. I was unaware of my own defensive state and I pushed people away and those insecurities would overlay any logic and trust. Three weeks ago I was ready to jump.

I am your average 28-year-old man who grew up over half his life with an absent father, a family torn by greed, emotions, and stubbornness. For me school was horrible. I wasn’t unpopular I was friendly and pleasant with a lot of people, I was always chirpy, but school wasn’t engaging or emotionally investing enough for me. My young adult life was filled with long and short relationships, childish love and betrayal. It was that betrayal that shaped me into this person people have come to know today. An emotionally quiet, sceptical, and reserved individual.

Betrayal has been stuck in the back of my mind, a twisted illusion that has poisoned me on such a deep level that is has made it almost impossible for me to trust another person. A thought so dark that when I do find love and happiness I push it away, I fire up all my defences. A fire begins to ignite – questions, accusations, and a relentless hunger for something to be wrong begins to stir. It is this hunger that overcomes me and pushes someone away to the point I am alone. This feeling takes me to a place where no one can destroy what integrity and self-respect I have. It was this illusion that would soon be the destruction of my relationship that began with two and a half years of perfection. The final 12 months became a consistent barrage of dark twisted emotions and distrust that would be the undoing of what was once the thing keeping me going.

You see, the issue I’ve had with relationships is I’m emotionally invested. When I enter into a relationship I like to build the relationship and bring two separate entities together into something that can be everlasting. It’s this emotional investment that brings nothing but issues and pain in the long run. I have my idea of happiness, I would become upset when I wasn’t with them, I’d always want to know what my other half would be up to, I’d be jealous of any time she would spend with another person, even the thought of talking to guys would turn my emotions around. Trust would be destroyed with the glance of something as stupid as her liking a photo on Instagram. It would be this deluded emotion that would accumulate over time and would slowly kick down the walls of all reason and trust built. It would wreak havoc like a tsunami of paranoia that would eventually wash away a beach of reason.

Ultimately I got what I deserved. I pushed her away I wiped any emotion or love from her face and I could only see the rage in her eyes, it became the untimely demise of my own ignorance and stubbornness, a sort of poetic justice. The fact is, I did trust her, but I could never stop the underlining fear from overtaking, I became a host for negativity, my subconscious defences would kick in and control me, it would attack, it would guard, it wouldn’t listen to reason, and because of that it had destroyed me.

Three weeks ago I was blinded by emotion that blocked me from expressing myself to her. I pushed her buttons, I made comments that would make her hate me to the point that when she said it was over, it really was. It was childish and stubborn. I regret it unconditionally if I could explain to her how sorry and how wrong I was, I would hope for a chance, but I have no way to contact her, I’ve been erased and I will one day be replaced.

Three weeks ago my world has flipped upside down. This breakup became a catalyst, the red button to change. I may never get to see her again, I may never get to take her to Paris like I promised all those years ago and I may never get to put a ring on her finger and show her how much I want her to succeed and be happy with me knowing I’d take care of her, but I can change for the better.

Three weeks ago three weeks ago I was unfit, overweight, and depressed, three weeks ago I would spend my life behind a computer and away from people, three weeks ago I was unsure what my next steps in life would be, and three weeks ago I would never have made changes to my finances to pursue my future.

I am now confident, I’ve gone on an extreme diet that has allowed me to shed excessive amounts of weight in such a short time which ultimately has improved my confidence and attitude towards life. I opened a savings account to begin saving for a house, after one month I am 5% towards my goal of a mortgage deposit, and I have a passport! This is unheard of from someone who would spend his money on the latest gadgets, buying lunch and spending money on whatever I caught my interest. I’m focused on achieving things, I’m focused on making a difference in my own life and others.

I feel like creativity is back in my life and that a spark of creativity has ignited. I take more photos than ever. I am enthusiastic about riding again and I’ve seen more people in these past three weeks than I have all year. I feel like the person I was the day I met her, the day I first laid eyes on her, the day I kissed her. I have confidence and a passion, an end goal, and future, and now I’ll be taking that road alone.

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