“You’ve Got to be Selfish to be Selfless”

Gourmet Burger Kitchen - Worcester

Selfishness is a horrible thing, but as Gary Vaynerchuk once said: “You’ve got to be selfish to be selfless”. If you can’t be happy with yourself, how can you be happy around others? Since my last post, I have been in a perpetual state of selfishness. I have been working hard on Logic BMX, building up the foundations of a new empire and working hard on improving my own physical image and appearance. This has allowed me to go out of my way for other people in the past week.

A New Image

A new image? Yes, I’ve gone for a new hairstyle, entrusting the local barber at Barber Town Barnards Green. I sat in the chair and said, do what you think is best, and he delivered. So if you see me, I’ll be sporting a number one and taped hair with the traditional Chris flick.

The empire is slowly coming to fruition, I’m slowly producing the website, I have two great articles ready to launch with a huge opinion piece and an interview with an established pro rider. I’m hoping to launch it by the end of the week. Camera wise, I’m still in the process of saving money for one.

My good friend George Taylor has offered to purchase his old camera back from the purchaser and kindly allow me to use it. This is one of the nicest gestures a friend has ever done and to top it all off I’m extremely excited to see him get back into filming. We had a fun little rivalry when we were younger.

Chris Wilmshurst - New Image

Health Changes

Health Wise, my diet has now slowed down and I’m eating more and more normal meals. I have even been out to dinner multiple times with my good friends Meg, George, and Dean. It’s been nice to check out some of the restaurants that Worcester has to offer since the opening of Cathedral plaza.

I can honestly see myself taking many people out for meals; however, I took Meg out to Yo Sushi to thank her for being a top friend over the past few months and I think next time I’ll put a cap on how much she can order. My bill came to £80 (with tip). However, it was a good experience. It was not the most amazing sushi I’ve ever had, but the staff were welcoming, the atmosphere was relaxed and freebies were being handed out most of the evening as it was a new restaurant.

Yo Sushi Worcester

I and George dined it up at Gourmet Burger Kitchen on Sunday after shopping for new clothing (once again, referring back to a new image and selfishness) and I tried Avocado for the first time. It was not on its own, but it was coupled with lamb and a burger in a tasty bun. I’d highly recommend it to anyone in Worcester, make the trip for that single burger alone.

Gourmet Burger Kitchen - Worcester

Selfish to be Selfless. A Good Deed

To return to my opening paragraph, selfishness has allowed me to give back. As I have focused on myself so much recently building up my confidence and mental game, I wanted to give back to someone in a big way and fate threw an old friend I haven’t seen for three years. Becky Winter is an aspiring and very good wedding photographer.

Recently Becky purchased a new WordPress theme and was stuck with how to install it and upgrade her website. After diagnosing that her web hosting was awful I had to intervene and help out. Her web hosting offered her very little storage and bandwidth to the point where she had exceeded both. The file permissions were all completely wrong and the server was painfully slow. It was at this point that I offered to host her using my own SSD VPS (Solid State Drive Virtual Private Server). I took care of migrating her entire website and setting it up.

Selfish to be Selfless - Becky Winter Photography

The task was of a mammoth proportion, the theme she had purchased came with an awfully complicated. I spent the majority of an evening figuring out how these plugins built pages from unhelpful documentation and videos provided.

Once I had built a structure for Becky, we sat down at her iMac as Dan played Zelda. We went through and audited each page for their strengths and weaknesses, tweaking them and adding bits here and there. I then went through the gallery system used to create these pages and explained and how each part worked. I then left the website in the capable hands of Becky who is now tweaking it to her final liking.

Obsession: Sam Hamer

Obsession Sam Hamer

What made me post this old gem? I was checking analytics and SEO business and while searching the rankings this popped up.

I filmed this as a university (college + university degree) project for “online content” at the time I was already established in online media working for Vital BMX, but I wanted to branch out and try something different. I approached Sam Hamer who is a close friend of mine who I’ve known for many years about shooting a short skateboarding documentary on him. Looking back on this I was extremely proud when I finished it, but now I can point out everything that’s wrong with the oddly placed answers to the overly loud background music.

There is something so satisfying about reliving and looking back on the past. You can see how you’ve progressed and how you learnt to fix things. You can apply these skills to everything in life.

Needless to say, I think I may start producing more of these in the future if I  ever pick up a camera again. It fascinates me to shadow people and get a story on their lives and their obsessions.

If you think this would be a good idea let me know? Who would you want to see something like this shot with? Should I bring back the short “Obsession” series?

Obsession: Sam Hamer from Chris Wilmshurst on Vimeo.

Relections

My BMX

How do you look at yourself knowing you’ve become something you dislike? How do you face up to the underlying fact that you weren’t the person you first spoke of, that your kindness deteriorated, your passion and love withered away with each passing moment? Then your own reflection becomes something that you can’t stand.

This is something I’ve been battling with for the past month and further sparked by a heartbreaking and humiliating discovery. I have been a horrible person I was untrusting, stubborn, and aggressive, I also allowed this to completely alter my mood and weight.

My BMX

My diet plan

Over the past three years my perception of happiness was challenged and altered when I met the person I thought I’d marry, I adapted, I cancelled out, and attempted to shape my life around this person. Doing so resulted in less passion for things I loved doing growing up, changes of careers, investing in a different culture, and even putting on far too much weight in the process.
These changes of circumstance contributed to a decline in happiness.
When I gained weight my mood changed, I felt shit about myself, I felt shit around others and I relayed that onto other people. This was evident by the lack of time I would spend with others, I was rarely seen amongst my friends and when I saw my girlfriend at the time I was lazy, I didn’t want to do anything and I was a complete introvert.

It has taken a break up to smack me in the face. I’m one month into an aggressive diet, I’m riding my bike multiple times a week, and I am losing a lot of weight. I know this is the case as people are complimenting the fact that my physical appearance has changed and is reminiscent of my late teens, I’m becoming muscular and slimmer again.

These positive effects in my physique are also transferring to my mentality. Yes, I’ve had some shit discoveries and news today’s but it hasn’t overly knocked me back. I’m confident, I know I’m not ugly, I’m charming, funny, and generous, I have a lot to give to someone who has as much to give back.

So what is my diet? Well, it’s very extreme. I have been eating a bare minimum. Two bananas for lunch and a small tin of soup for dinner. I top this off with 3L of water a day and it has been a challenge. I have had the odd cheat day where I’ve had a packet of crisps or in the case of Topokki, a small meal. This may be considered excessive, but it is helping me greatly.

Here is a before photo and a current progress shot.

Before my diet started

Before starting my diet


Current diet progress

Three weeks into my diet, noticeable changes to my physique

Positive Steps

Without the people I call friends in my life, I wouldn’t be here. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I’ve met. None of them are perfect and some even have had similar experiences, but they are the reason I’m still smiling and pushing forward. I’m full of self-determination (SD) it has been a driving force and love behind everything I’ve undertaking over this month.

If you are new to this blog I noted in my first post that I now have savings, this is something I have never had. I have a game plan, a passport, a list of destinations I am going to visit and what I want to achieve over the next few years.
Writing and music have become my ultimate pass time. I was never a good writer and I did not do too well at high school in my GCSE’S, in fact, I’d quite honestly say I failed. Grammar and spelling are something that I’ve been battling myself with and challenging myself to understand much further as I’ve got older. If it wasn’t for Kyle Carlson at Vital BMX giving me grammar lessons and pointing out mistakes and teaching me about such things as the Oxford comma this blog would be ten times worse than it is now.

Music is also a strong glue that’s held me together. In the past when I had suffered a serious breakup, I’d retreat to my room and listen to extremely depressing music, but now I listen to positive music, music with a strong message of self-determination, ambitions, and goals. It’s these strongly worded songs that keep positivity at the forefront of my mentality.

I want to leave you with a list of songs I’ve listened too that may seem depressing, but have been driving forces in pursuing my goals.

Logic – Feel Good

John Legend – Love me Now

Flume – Say it like that (illenium remix)

Worcester Isn’t So Bad

Worcester isn't so bad?

One of the great things about the iPhone 7+ is the camera, I’ve found since owning it that I’ve been excited to take photos far more than I did with my 6. It makes taking photographs easy with its great picture quality, acceptable low light performance and the incredible, yet sometimes flawed “portrait mode”.

So whenever the sun is shining, friends gather, or we take the dogs for a walk I have to make sure I take as many photos as I can. Here are some photos from one trip down the River Severn with friends. I hope you enjoy them.

River Severn PathwayBicycle along River SevernLela Pug Cross BreedRiver SevernDiglisThomas / SkateboarderDiglis DocksDiglis DocksJenOvergrown

Jack Dickinson and George Taylor

Jack Dickinson 180 Bar Spin

After suffering fairly bad sunburn from a full day of riding the previous day, riding didn’t work out too well today. However, I did manage to snap this shot of Jack Dickinson.

Jack Dickinson 180 Bar Spin

After succumbing to the heat, myself and George headed into town for new shoes.  I snapped this portrait of  George Taylor outside Two Seasons in Worcester. George Taylor Portrait

Making The Jump

Three weeks ago I was going to kill myself. Three weeks ago, my whole world came crashing around me. Three weeks ago the Police were called to hunt me down. This photo on Instagram post sparked a manhunt across Worcester in an attempt to find and stop me. I disabled Facebook, I turned my phone off, I hid away from the barrage of phone calls and text messages demanding to know where I was, insisting I call them. I argued with people, I pushed everyone close away and to the brink of tears.

What does a person write about themselves as an introduction? What does it take to define the first impression? Honestly, I could not tell you. Three weeks ago I hit a roadblock in my life. I parted ways with the person I believed I would spend the rest of my life with. At 28 years old my future ended and the past three and a half shattered in front of me.

Three weeks ago I was suicidal, for those who know me – this is completely unlike me. I am the strong, aggressive, no bullshit type in the group. Three weeks ago, I was blind to how my twisted and complex mind operated. I was unaware of my own defensive state and I pushed people away and those insecurities would overlay any logic and trust. Three weeks ago I was ready to jump.

I am your average 28-year-old man who grew up over half his life with an absent father, a family torn by greed, emotions, and stubbornness. For me school was horrible. I wasn’t unpopular I was friendly and pleasant with a lot of people, I was always chirpy, but school wasn’t engaging or emotionally investing enough for me. My young adult life was filled with long and short relationships, childish love and betrayal. It was that betrayal that shaped me into this person people have come to know today. An emotionally quiet, sceptical, and reserved individual.

Betrayal has been stuck in the back of my mind, a twisted illusion that has poisoned me on such a deep level that is has made it almost impossible for me to trust another person. A thought so dark that when I do find love and happiness I push it away, I fire up all my defences. A fire begins to ignite – questions, accusations, and a relentless hunger for something to be wrong begins to stir. It is this hunger that overcomes me and pushes someone away to the point I am alone. This feeling takes me to a place where no one can destroy what integrity and self-respect I have. It was this illusion that would soon be the destruction of my relationship that began with two and a half years of perfection. The final 12 months became a consistent barrage of dark twisted emotions and distrust that would be the undoing of what was once the thing keeping me going.

You see, the issue I’ve had with relationships is I’m emotionally invested. When I enter into a relationship I like to build the relationship and bring two separate entities together into something that can be everlasting. It’s this emotional investment that brings nothing but issues and pain in the long run. I have my idea of happiness, I would become upset when I wasn’t with them, I’d always want to know what my other half would be up to, I’d be jealous of any time she would spend with another person, even the thought of talking to guys would turn my emotions around. Trust would be destroyed with the glance of something as stupid as her liking a photo on Instagram. It would be this deluded emotion that would accumulate over time and would slowly kick down the walls of all reason and trust built. It would wreak havoc like a tsunami of paranoia that would eventually wash away a beach of reason.

Ultimately I got what I deserved. I pushed her away I wiped any emotion or love from her face and I could only see the rage in her eyes, it became the untimely demise of my own ignorance and stubbornness, a sort of poetic justice. The fact is, I did trust her, but I could never stop the underlining fear from overtaking, I became a host for negativity, my subconscious defences would kick in and control me, it would attack, it would guard, it wouldn’t listen to reason, and because of that it had destroyed me.

Three weeks ago I was blinded by emotion that blocked me from expressing myself to her. I pushed her buttons, I made comments that would make her hate me to the point that when she said it was over, it really was. It was childish and stubborn. I regret it unconditionally if I could explain to her how sorry and how wrong I was, I would hope for a chance, but I have no way to contact her, I’ve been erased and I will one day be replaced.

Three weeks ago my world has flipped upside down. This breakup became a catalyst, the red button to change. I may never get to see her again, I may never get to take her to Paris like I promised all those years ago and I may never get to put a ring on her finger and show her how much I want her to succeed and be happy with me knowing I’d take care of her, but I can change for the better.

Three weeks ago three weeks ago I was unfit, overweight, and depressed, three weeks ago I would spend my life behind a computer and away from people, three weeks ago I was unsure what my next steps in life would be, and three weeks ago I would never have made changes to my finances to pursue my future.

I am now confident, I’ve gone on an extreme diet that has allowed me to shed excessive amounts of weight in such a short time which ultimately has improved my confidence and attitude towards life. I opened a savings account to begin saving for a house, after one month I am 5% towards my goal of a mortgage deposit, and I have a passport! This is unheard of from someone who would spend his money on the latest gadgets, buying lunch and spending money on whatever I caught my interest. I’m focused on achieving things, I’m focused on making a difference in my own life and others.

I feel like creativity is back in my life and that a spark of creativity has ignited. I take more photos than ever. I am enthusiastic about riding again and I’ve seen more people in these past three weeks than I have all year. I feel like the person I was the day I met her, the day I first laid eyes on her, the day I kissed her. I have confidence and a passion, an end goal, and future, and now I’ll be taking that road alone.