How do you look at yourself knowing you’ve become something you dislike? How do you face up to the underlying fact that you weren’t the person you first spoke of, that your kindness deteriorated, your passion and love withered away with each passing moment? Then your own reflection becomes something that you can’t stand.
This is something I’ve been battling with for the past month and further sparked by a heartbreaking and humiliating discovery. I have been a horrible person I was untrusting, stubborn, and aggressive, I also allowed this to completely alter my mood and weight.
Over the past three years my perception of happiness was challenged and altered when I met the person I thought I’d marry, I adapted, I cancelled out, and attempted to shape my life around this person. Doing so resulted in less passion for things I loved doing growing up, changes of careers, investing in a different culture, and even putting on far too much weight in the process.
These changes of circumstance contributed to a decline in happiness.
When I gained weight my mood changed, I felt shit about myself, I felt shit around others and I relayed that onto other people. This was evident by the lack of time I would spend with others, I was rarely seen amongst my friends and when I saw my girlfriend at the time I was lazy, I didn’t want to do anything and I was a complete introvert.
It has taken a break up to smack me in the face. I’m one month into an aggressive diet, I’m riding my bike multiple times a week, and I am losing a lot of weight. I know this is the case as people are complimenting the fact that my physical appearance has changed and is reminiscent of my late teens, I’m becoming muscular and slimmer again.
These positive effects in my physique are also transferring to my mentality. Yes, I’ve had some shit discoveries and news today’s but it hasn’t overly knocked me back. I’m confident, I know I’m not ugly, I’m charming, funny, and generous, I have a lot to give to someone who has as much to give back.
So what is my diet? Well, it’s very extreme. I have been eating a bare minimum. Two bananas for lunch and a small tin of soup for dinner. I top this off with 3L of water a day and it has been a challenge. I have had the odd cheat day where I’ve had a packet of crisps or in the case of Topokki, a small meal. This may be considered excessive, but it is helping me greatly.
Here is a before photo and a current progress shot.
Without the people I call friends in my life, I wouldn’t be here. They are truly some of the most remarkable people I’ve met. None of them are perfect and some even have had similar experiences, but they are the reason I’m still smiling and pushing forward. I’m full of self-determination (SD) it has been a driving force and love behind everything I’ve undertaking over this month.
If you are new to this blog I noted in my first post that I now have savings, this is something I have never had. I have a game plan, a passport, a list of destinations I am going to visit and what I want to achieve over the next few years.
Writing and music have become my ultimate pass time. I was never a good writer and I did not do too well at high school in my GCSE’S, in fact, I’d quite honestly say I failed. Grammar and spelling are something that I’ve been battling myself with and challenging myself to understand much further as I’ve got older. If it wasn’t for Kyle Carlson at Vital BMX giving me grammar lessons and pointing out mistakes and teaching me about such things as the Oxford comma this blog would be ten times worse than it is now.
Music is also a strong glue that’s held me together. In the past when I had suffered a serious breakup, I’d retreat to my room and listen to extremely depressing music, but now I listen to positive music, music with a strong message of self-determination, ambitions, and goals. It’s these strongly worded songs that keep positivity at the forefront of my mentality.
I want to leave you with a list of songs I’ve listened too that may seem depressing, but have been driving forces in pursuing my goals.
John Legend – Love me Now
Flume – Say it like that (illenium remix)